Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
