Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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