Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
