Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize