I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
