Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
