i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
