I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
