I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Randomize
