You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We talked him into tasing himself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
