in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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