Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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