this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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