I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
