I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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