I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize