i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
