Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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