Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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