just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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