Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
