Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize