Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
True college students do jello shots in the library
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