Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
