WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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