Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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