It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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