it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
