There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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