Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
