Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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