Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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