Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize