so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He better not be in your backpack
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
