No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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