I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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