FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
