when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just had sex bonerless
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
