Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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