the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
