Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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