i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
