Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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