This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
