So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
