i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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