sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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