that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize