I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
