Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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