i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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