Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize