why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
