Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Randomize
