You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
