Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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