I'm passing your future prison.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize