why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
