Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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