I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
