i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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