Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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